The vast global shave controversy
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It all started with a google ad about Gillette Fusion. The latestrazor, nay, "Shaving System" comes with not just 5 blades on the front, but two "trimming blades" on the back. The brings up the total to 7! Now anyone who buys this and still feels he's not being taken for a ride needs to reduce the number of blades to ONE, and slit his throat with it.
Let's go back to the beginings of the conspiracy. You'll excuse the spelling mistakes and the lack of hyperlinks to support every little detail, the links will be provided at the bottom.
Our great-grandfathers, when they woke up in the morning used to hack away at their man hairs with a straight razor.
These were also called the Cut Throat Razor.. for self explanatory reasons. But to paraphrase Douglas Adams, "In those days spirits were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri."
They did the job well. Needed to be sharpened on those leather strip things and came in handy for self protection in countries where the Second Amendment didnt apply. You can still buy these razors in some places, your local grocery uncle shop does not stock it though. Or you can buy this very fine example of a gentlemans' accesory from classicshaving.com for only 400 dollars American. That's right, 20 thousand rupees Indian.... do I hear a few throats being cut?
But no matter how manly our forefathers were, nobody likes to get their throats cut early in the morning, and Mr Gillette invented the safety razor, to ensure that the men of the day can live with uncut throats and actually end up being forefathers, instead of being... DEAD.
Now here's where the conspiracy starts. The thing that makes a safety razor different from a cut-throat is not only is the razor shielded from the skin (only the edge is out), but you can change the blades when the old one dies out. You dont have to sharpen the damn thing before shaving.
A good business model also. The old cut throat once sold, remains sold. The company doesnt get any more sales from a buyer. Now in a safety razor, you get to sell the razor, then there's a constant demand of blades. Good business for Mr Gillette, good convinience for the shaver.
And for some time, everything was well in the world.
But how long can a good thing stay good... and pretty soon saying that even safety razors werent safe enough, we have those twin blade cartridge systems with both blades facing the same side.
They ruled for some time... with the disposable razors as an added convinience. For the price of a old fashioned blade, you can have a one piece disposable plastic razor. Sounds convinient, except for the terrible quality of blade, the extremly terrible quality of the plastic and the fact that this puny little block of plastic doesnt feel as deadly... as manly.... as solid as the old fashioned full metal safety razors.
This was probably the dark age of razors... and people of my age probably started with these as their first razor. First shave with these plastic babies and many male adolescents would have been asking God, WHY?? Why this curse on the male fraternity?? Why must we endure such pain and skin burn and cut pimples??
But things were to get better... as the smart people at the Global Gillette company had a few more innovations in this most excellent morning-hair-cutting-actuvity. This might, or might not, be related to the fact that the even smarter people at the Global Gillette's Sales Division has realised that the sales of their disposables had plateued and like everyone else in the world, they too are money worshipping whoremongerers.
Then came the Gillette Sensor! A brilliant design with twin blades mounted on springs that would easily glide over any uneven outgrowth on your face. Less cuts for sure, and they say a closer shave. I will now repeat this phrase, please pay attention, it will be repeated at every new invention from Gillette. The sensor "shaving system" gives you less cuts and "a closer shave".
It sold out! Everyone bought one. I bought one. It was nice. The only problem being blades were expensive. One blade was more than a hundred rupees, dont remember the exact price. And yes, none of these "Shaving Systems" are backward compatible, so if you were suckered into buying an expensive dual blade "shaving system" your spring mounted super expensive blades wont fit into that. Suffer, sucker.
So when the Sensor sales platued out on Gillete, they came out with another invention. The Sensor Excel! Bravo... the same spring mounted dual blade system, but with a strip of "MICROFINS" at the bottom, which suposedly raised the hair to get a..... you got it, "closer shave". Shaving is getting closer and closer by the minute now, blades however keep increasing in price.
Similar situation with the sales again, and BEHOLD!!! THE MACH3!
Not only was it spring mounted for a "close shave", it had *gasp* three blades! And not only did it have "microfins" for a "close shave", it had a strip of goo on the top which will moisturise your skin and do all kinds of things like fade out when the blade is gone (or sales plateu again).
So even if your blade is working fine but the strip fades out... throw the blade and buy a new set of expensive blades. I assume the blades are made out of steel? What dies first... steel or goo? Hmm.... I remember the ad for this... some fighter plane going around and a voice over saying "YOU take one stroke, it takes three" then some dude with a face that looks like its been waxed with boiling hot wax is there with a smirk on his face and a woman lovingly caressing his freshly "close shaved and auto-moiseturised" cheeks.
All in all this was a good "shaving system". The head swiveled, which was suposedly a feature, but I never got used to it. The only thing being, blades were too damn expensive! Around 350 for a pack of 2 blades. Remember it's not just a pack of two blades, it's - 6 blades, 6 springs, 2 moisturising goo strips and around 8-10 microfins. That's a lot of stuff for 350 rupees. One should be gratefull.
After some time they released the Mach 3 Turbo, which was the same shit in a new bottle, but had ONE more microfin. That's right, just ONE more microfin. And I bought it too. I bought all of their shit except Mach 3 Venus Divine, which was meant for women, or extremly sensitive men.
Not to be outdone, the competition had already launced Quattro 4, which had, YOU GUESSED IT, four blades. All in the noble cause of a "closer shave". At this point there was a public outcry about a razor "Arms Race" with Gillette and Wilkinson trying to outblade each other and The Onion came out with a article (link below) about Gillette's CEO saying, Fuck it, we're making a 5 blade razor. Little did they know Gillette also subscribed to The Onion's RSS feed.
They released the Gillette Fusion with 5 blades. Fusion it's called... Fusion of WHAT??? Five blades?? Here's the marketting blah about it:
It all started with a google ad about Gillette Fusion. The latest
Let's go back to the beginings of the conspiracy. You'll excuse the spelling mistakes and the lack of hyperlinks to support every little detail, the links will be provided at the bottom.
Our great-grandfathers, when they woke up in the morning used to hack away at their man hairs with a straight razor.
These were also called the Cut Throat Razor.. for self explanatory reasons. But to paraphrase Douglas Adams, "In those days spirits were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri."
They did the job well. Needed to be sharpened on those leather strip things and came in handy for self protection in countries where the Second Amendment didnt apply. You can still buy these razors in some places, your local grocery uncle shop does not stock it though. Or you can buy this very fine example of a gentlemans' accesory from classicshaving.com for only 400 dollars American. That's right, 20 thousand rupees Indian.... do I hear a few throats being cut?
But no matter how manly our forefathers were, nobody likes to get their throats cut early in the morning, and Mr Gillette invented the safety razor, to ensure that the men of the day can live with uncut throats and actually end up being forefathers, instead of being... DEAD.
Now here's where the conspiracy starts. The thing that makes a safety razor different from a cut-throat is not only is the razor shielded from the skin (only the edge is out), but you can change the blades when the old one dies out. You dont have to sharpen the damn thing before shaving.
A good business model also. The old cut throat once sold, remains sold. The company doesnt get any more sales from a buyer. Now in a safety razor, you get to sell the razor, then there's a constant demand of blades. Good business for Mr Gillette, good convinience for the shaver.
And for some time, everything was well in the world.But how long can a good thing stay good... and pretty soon saying that even safety razors werent safe enough, we have those twin blade cartridge systems with both blades facing the same side.
They ruled for some time... with the disposable razors as an added convinience. For the price of a old fashioned blade, you can have a one piece disposable plastic razor. Sounds convinient, except for the terrible quality of blade, the extremly terrible quality of the plastic and the fact that this puny little block of plastic doesnt feel as deadly... as manly.... as solid as the old fashioned full metal safety razors.
This was probably the dark age of razors... and people of my age probably started with these as their first razor. First shave with these plastic babies and many male adolescents would have been asking God, WHY?? Why this curse on the male fraternity?? Why must we endure such pain and skin burn and cut pimples??
But things were to get better... as the smart people at the Global Gillette company had a few more innovations in this most excellent morning-hair-cutting-actuvity. This might, or might not, be related to the fact that the even smarter people at the Global Gillette's Sales Division has realised that the sales of their disposables had plateued and like everyone else in the world, they too are money worshipping whoremongerers.
Then came the Gillette Sensor! A brilliant design with twin blades mounted on springs that would easily glide over any uneven outgrowth on your face. Less cuts for sure, and they say a closer shave. I will now repeat this phrase, please pay attention, it will be repeated at every new invention from Gillette. The sensor "shaving system" gives you less cuts and "a closer shave".
Spring loaded blades = Good invention
Results in closer shave = WTF! HOW?
Results in closer shave = WTF! HOW?
It sold out! Everyone bought one. I bought one. It was nice. The only problem being blades were expensive. One blade was more than a hundred rupees, dont remember the exact price. And yes, none of these "Shaving Systems" are backward compatible, so if you were suckered into buying an expensive dual blade "shaving system" your spring mounted super expensive blades wont fit into that. Suffer, sucker.
So when the Sensor sales platued out on Gillete, they came out with another invention. The Sensor Excel! Bravo... the same spring mounted dual blade system, but with a strip of "MICROFINS" at the bottom, which suposedly raised the hair to get a..... you got it, "closer shave". Shaving is getting closer and closer by the minute now, blades however keep increasing in price.
Similar situation with the sales again, and BEHOLD!!! THE MACH3!
Not only was it spring mounted for a "close shave", it had *gasp* three blades! And not only did it have "microfins" for a "close shave", it had a strip of goo on the top which will moisturise your skin and do all kinds of things like fade out when the blade is gone (or sales plateu again).
So even if your blade is working fine but the strip fades out... throw the blade and buy a new set of expensive blades. I assume the blades are made out of steel? What dies first... steel or goo? Hmm.... I remember the ad for this... some fighter plane going around and a voice over saying "YOU take one stroke, it takes three" then some dude with a face that looks like its been waxed with boiling hot wax is there with a smirk on his face and a woman lovingly caressing his freshly "close shaved and auto-moiseturised" cheeks.
All in all this was a good "shaving system". The head swiveled, which was suposedly a feature, but I never got used to it. The only thing being, blades were too damn expensive! Around 350 for a pack of 2 blades. Remember it's not just a pack of two blades, it's - 6 blades, 6 springs, 2 moisturising goo strips and around 8-10 microfins. That's a lot of stuff for 350 rupees. One should be gratefull.
After some time they released the Mach 3 Turbo, which was the same shit in a new bottle, but had ONE more microfin. That's right, just ONE more microfin. And I bought it too. I bought all of their shit except Mach 3 Venus Divine, which was meant for women, or extremly sensitive men.
Not to be outdone, the competition had already launced Quattro 4, which had, YOU GUESSED IT, four blades. All in the noble cause of a "closer shave". At this point there was a public outcry about a razor "Arms Race" with Gillette and Wilkinson trying to outblade each other and The Onion came out with a article (link below) about Gillette's CEO saying, Fuck it, we're making a 5 blade razor. Little did they know Gillette also subscribed to The Onion's RSS feed.
They released the Gillette Fusion with 5 blades. Fusion it's called... Fusion of WHAT??? Five blades?? Here's the marketting blah about it: